when you talk to cocobelle

today wasn’t really my day. got so much going on now that i feel like i’m in a vortex of something so unknown and that there’s no way out but to get stuck there. 

i was really serious when i decided before that i won’t post anything here unless it’s something that’s “not personal” coz there are people out there who wants to make my life miserable and spying this space (but that’s another entry i guess). and now, i am just so full of it, i need to download some stuff - HERE IN MY BLOG! after all, that’s the reason why some of us have blogs, di ba?!

so anyhow, things got really crazy these past few days that even I began to question my sanity level (but the mere thought of being able to self-check, i guess i’m still sane, ayt!?). then fate, as cruel as it could be, led me back to that place - to that clinic. so after the routine Q and A portion, as well as the “check up,” the doctor told me her diagnosis. She said:

DRA: So you’re polycystic pala. We need to normalize your cycle first. Are you trying to get pregnant now?

ME: May implication ba un doc? I mean, di ba pwedeng pagsabayin? (umaasa ang bruha. pasensya!)

DRA: Pwede naman. May 2 gamot naman eh. I read that you used yasmin already. You can use it again if you don’t want to get pregnant pa naman, or there’s another way. Do you need to talk this muna with your partner?

ME: I’ll take the yasmin doc. Thank you.

You see, early this morning, i got this jittery feeling of just going to that place again, ALONE. I wanted to have someone just in case something like this comes up. But then anyway, I ended up going there all alone, alone and lonely. Made me think of several things. In order to forget, I headed back to my comfort fastfood chain, bought my comfort food and headed back home, and visited my fave sns, all the while trying to push back the tears.

then got the chance to talk to natalia simone casino aka COCO. she was all giggly, bubbly and so full of happiness that i can’t help but grin and giggle too. I can’t belief that this angel was the same fragile baby that i used to carry in my arms, from medical city all the way to elbi. and while we were talking, she was saying “ngano nagbulag man mo tita van?” (why did you break up tita van?). crazy question from a 2yr old baby, right? but i was laughing my guts so much, i really didn’t care how age “inappropriate” that question was. haha!

and just when i thought, her being motherly came to a halt - because she was already asking her mom to put the laptop away and already said “Tita van, matulog nako ba. Goodnight na ta tita van.” (Tita Van, I’ll sleep na ha? Goodnight na tayo tita van) - she suddenly said “Don’t cry na Tita Van.”

And I told her, “Yes Coco, tita van will not cry.” And I’m going to keep my promise. I will not cry TONIGHT; even if that little voice really made me wanna crawl back to bed and just cry my heart - and eyes- out.