this is it!

Dear Friends,

For quite some time already, di na ako nakakapagsulat sa espasyong ito. Sa mga taong patuloy na bumibisita, sumisilip at nagiiwan ng kanilang mga mensahe, maraming salamat sa inyong walang sawang suporta at pagsubaybay.

Pero katulad ng ibang bagay sa mundong ito, my account here in i.ph comes to an end. I don’t know yet if I’ll just leave blogging for a spell (look for a new domain or blog id perhaps) or leave the blogging world permanently. This decision- either the momentary or permanent thing- springs out by several drastic events that happened to me these past few months.

Anyhow, for sure I’d continue writing (I’m still using my old-fashioned diary thing), esp. now that my life has definitely took a very different turn. My “baby” Duchess is going home with my parents, my sister was reassigned somewhere (which left me very confused as to leave our space now or look for another one), and my personal life—- well, it’s still personal. hehe!

Leaving this space though does not mean that I’m turning my back to my old life as this blog mirrors at least 3yrs of my life-3 wonderful, crazy, and life-changing years. Everything here is a part of me.

Dahil jan, and before I formally render my “farewell” I would like to thank these ff. people who definitely made my blogging world-as well as my real world- a hell of a ride :

AC - You were the one who gave me the “push” to consider entering blogosphere. You were also one of those few people who truly knows the story behind these stories. Salamat tsong! At sana alam mo yun. kahit “absent” na ako lagi sa lakad, present naman ako sa pagwwish na sana masaya kayo. hehe!

Kellie - P0+@#! hehe! Sanay na sanay na akong tawagin mo ako ng ganito. Tsong naman, di mo na ako ginagalang! hehehe! Pero tsong, salamat sa kakaibang “fwendship.” hehehe! at utang na loob, bawas bawasan mo na yang sumisira sa buhay mo. Maligo ka kaya ng bongga ng mawala yan!? hihihi!

Baby Gil - Thank you. For everything. For being part of this blog; for teaching people to let go and to move on and to accept God’s will; for just being an angel to people whose lives you have touched. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person. I will never forget you. I will always have you in my heart. And just like what your Mommy Arte always say, i hope that you will ”fly high and be the best angel there in heaven.”

Mommy Arte and Daddy Mangot - Hope you’ll get through everything. Continue to have FAITH. And in my heart, i truly hope that you and your relationship will be blessed by Him.

Duchess - You will always be my 1st born. No matter how great the distance between us, Mommy will always love you. Your grandma and grandpa will look after you, and I hope you get along with your siblings there. Be good always and stay away from the wires. I love you baby! mwah mwah!

TO ALL MY BLOGROLL FRIENDS - Thanks for being a good source of hope, ideas and strength. Yes, those simple exchange of messages helped me big time. My apology for taking the blogroll thing from this blog. Pulis pulis! Pulis pangkalawakan!!!

At sa inyong lahat na bumibisita dito, either para pulaan or makichismax or trip lang magbasa ng mga walang wenta/mababaw at kabaliwang kwento, salamat!

Fly high people, and be an angel here on earth.

it must be your guiding hands

Baby,

Mommy and Daddy just want to thank you. Alam namin na ikaw ang nagbigay daan para maging okay lahat. Alam ko, deep within my heart, it was your gift to me. And yes, I’m keeping my part. I am smiling na baby. Real smile, the same smile na gustong makita ng daddy mo.

Alam ko din it was your birthday gift to your daddy, making things possible para magkasama kami sa birthday nya. Thank you for wrapping your loving arms kina Mama and Papa mo and gave us their blessings.

Your daddy and I got to talk na naman about you, Baby. But this time, we talked bout you without the tears and pain na. Yes, we know it would have been better if you’re still with us, but we now know and accepted that indeed, there’s a reason behind losing you. And alam namin na isa ka na sa makukulit na angels ni Jesus kaya happy na kami.

Thank you. Alam mo naman un di ba? Every night, di ka nawawala sa isipan ni Mommy. Be a good angel there ha? And wag kang magsawa na bisitahin sina Mama and Papa. PAti si Grandma and Grandpa mo. BUt most especially, si Daddy mo. Keep him safe always. Lalo na ngayon na lagi na kaming magkalayo.

I love you Baby, we love you very very much. Happy holidays to you and to your friends there. Wag mong kalimutan ikiss si daddy mo maya ha!? sa same place na gustong gusto mo.

Love lots,

 Mommy Arte   

my life, as i see it now… TODAY

Thursday for me is my “student-life” day… Today, I am a full-time student and part-time employee. Originally, I planned of spending this day burried and surrounded by sample theses to kick some sense to yours truly’s sleep-muddled mind.

However, as I was traversing the familiar campus streets, I saw this very memorable cafe and thought “hey, why not! tambay mode muna ako before facing those dusty manuscripts.” So I got off the cab (manong driver, if you’re reading this, wala pa akong asawa, bayaran mo ako?! ), and entered “the museum cafe.”

I took my usual comfort food (fettucine in white sauce - yum yum- plus watermelon smoothies -minus the whip cream) and indulge in the free wee-fee feature of the place. anyhow, 1st, i was disappointed with the wee-fee. super bagal! 2nd, uber pda couple. i was literally gagging just looking at what they were doing. now, don’t get me wrong. i have nothing against pda. but some type of pdas’ are better done within the confines of a room. and what they were doing fell in that category. oh well..

3rd, i llluuurrrvvveee the korean couple sitting in front of me. they look so cute, so natural and so in love i was literally smiling. hehe! and how that gut teases her gurl while she was trying to do the pony (they speak good english. ) or how the gurl rumpled the guy’s hair. so purrfect!

4th, i realized that the students here are not the same students that i - and the rest of the country know/thought of. hhhmm.. let’s just say i was getting goosebumps just hearing them talk. tsk tsk…

so, point is… i just wanna write something… para magtanggal ng stress!!! i really can’t wait for my trip to cebu. yes, it’s work-related but who said i can’t do something ther than work, ayt!? I am so excited to see my good friend jel there. 2 yrs of not seeing each other… omg! lots to catch up. and we will start with the reason why i moderated my blog’s comment box. haha!

see you soon, jel! now, flying to cebu has a whole lot new meaning and purpose for me. really can’t wait….

now, if only i can finish this effing (i know u lurve this word gang. ), information guide, i could sleep very well tonight.

PS. why do people keep on saying “oh fuck!?” haha! i know, sorry, i’m just so PTT i am used to saying “nyemas, namputcha, tae**, and the likes. haha! those were my days… my glorified days. VERY PTT!

when you talk to cocobelle

today wasn’t really my day. got so much going on now that i feel like i’m in a vortex of something so unknown and that there’s no way out but to get stuck there. 

i was really serious when i decided before that i won’t post anything here unless it’s something that’s “not personal” coz there are people out there who wants to make my life miserable and spying this space (but that’s another entry i guess). and now, i am just so full of it, i need to download some stuff - HERE IN MY BLOG! after all, that’s the reason why some of us have blogs, di ba?!

so anyhow, things got really crazy these past few days that even I began to question my sanity level (but the mere thought of being able to self-check, i guess i’m still sane, ayt!?). then fate, as cruel as it could be, led me back to that place - to that clinic. so after the routine Q and A portion, as well as the “check up,” the doctor told me her diagnosis. She said:

DRA: So you’re polycystic pala. We need to normalize your cycle first. Are you trying to get pregnant now?

ME: May implication ba un doc? I mean, di ba pwedeng pagsabayin? (umaasa ang bruha. pasensya!)

DRA: Pwede naman. May 2 gamot naman eh. I read that you used yasmin already. You can use it again if you don’t want to get pregnant pa naman, or there’s another way. Do you need to talk this muna with your partner?

ME: I’ll take the yasmin doc. Thank you.

You see, early this morning, i got this jittery feeling of just going to that place again, ALONE. I wanted to have someone just in case something like this comes up. But then anyway, I ended up going there all alone, alone and lonely. Made me think of several things. In order to forget, I headed back to my comfort fastfood chain, bought my comfort food and headed back home, and visited my fave sns, all the while trying to push back the tears.

then got the chance to talk to natalia simone casino aka COCO. she was all giggly, bubbly and so full of happiness that i can’t help but grin and giggle too. I can’t believe that this angel was the same fragile baby that i used to carry in my arms, from medical city all the way to elbi. and while we were talking, she was saying “ngano nagbulag man mo tita van?” (why did you break up tita van?). crazy question from a 2yr old baby, right? but i was laughing my guts so much, i really didn’t care how age “inappropriate” that question was. haha!

and just when i thought, her being motherly came to a halt - because she was already asking her mom to put the laptop away and already said “Tita van, matulog nako ba. Goodnight na ta tita van.” (Tita Van, I’ll sleep na ha? Goodnight na tayo tita van) - she suddenly said “Don’t cry na Tita Van.”

And I told her, “Yes Coco, tita van will not cry.” And I’m going to keep my promise. I will not cry TONIGHT; even if that little voice really made me wanna crawl back to bed and just cry my heart - and eyes- out.

am i or am i not?!

In my pursuit of helping my self get through after what happened, I turned to reading; either books, enet articles etc etc. And like those people who showed their interest to help me, I purposely stumbled across articles on “clinical depression.” Below is an excerpt from http://uhs.berkeley.edu/lookforthesigns/clinicaldepression.shtml that explains what clinical depression is - in an easier, simpler manner for people like me who really veers away from too much medical terms.

as i am still contemplating if i’m just sad or something more than that, i would like to share this piece of article. maybe the infos here could help you help a lonely and lost soul. (more…)